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I am a Los Angeles-based twentysomething. I have a profession, and I have a secret life in music, and this blog isn't about any of that. I like Blogger because I can't read what you're thinking.

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Monday, August 9   >>

A TYPICAL DEFENSE OF TWITTER BY HUGO

I'm off the Twitter grid for the next 7 days. Twitter has hampered my ability to think in long form. But I'll come back and remain in defense of it. After all, I am 6-for-6 in converting people once HIGHLY skeptical Twitter to being avid users who haven't looked back. How? Because 1. I'm awesome and 2. I know its potential.

Conversations in defense for Twitter typically go like this (they are more passioned after 6 beers):
SKEPTICAL-OF-TWITTER DEE: E-mailing? We're at the table.

HUGO: No. I got a tweet from the Greek Theatre.

DEE: Twitter? YOU'RE ON TWITTER? Who cares what everyone's eating for lunch?

HUGO: See, I ONCE ASSUMED THE SAME EXACT THING. Then I used it and it completely altered my communications online.

DEE: Bullshit.

HUGO: Do you really think the Greek Theatre is tweeting what it had for lunch?

DEE: [silence]

HUGO: I just won a couple tickets to see a show at the Greek next week, just for tweeting back an answer to some trivia. It took, like, 30 seconds. Just saved 90 bucks.

DEE: So you do it for free shit?

HUGO: Well, that's a part of it. It's also a great way to avoid the annoyance of mass texting. Tweet coded messages about plans with your friends and not only will they get it, but it'll be saved for personal documentation. That's pretty fun.

DEE: I see.

HUGO: And since you personalize your Twitter, you only get information you want. For instance, I get traffic updates, event parking updates, surprise show updates (re: Mayer Hawthorne @ The Do Over last night, John Mayer @ Hotel Cafe, etc.), local news, and ticket presale updates.

DEE: But it's so fake the way people communicate with each other. Why would you want to publicize your conversations to the world?

HUGO: For the most part, Twitter conversations are uberfake. But those relationships rarely last long. Be genuine in your communication and treat every Twitter user like you're meeting them in the flesh, and the respect will likely reciprocate. I've established brand new relationships through Twitter with other writers, journalists, musicians, and marketers who've made an impact in my work, music, writing, and other things. Marc Broussard once gave me licensing advice. And that's not even a quarter of it.

DEE: So you're leveraging strangers for your own benefit.
HUGO: There's a quote that says, "Facebook is where your friends become strangers. Twitter is where you connect with strangers who are meant to be your friends." GAME, SET, MATCH.
GAME, SET, MATCH, GUYS.

----

Here's the drunk version:
BOB: So you use Twitter at work?

HUGO: LET'S SAY YOU'RE TAKING A SHIT, RIGHT?

BOB: Okay.

HUGO: AND YOU'RE, LIKE, CHARMIN. THE TOILET PAPER COMPANY.

BOB: Okay.

HUGO: NOW LET'S SAY YOU TWEET, "I AM TAKING A SHIT RIGHT NOW." THAT IS MONEY LEFT ON THE TABLE IF YOU'RE IN THE SHIT BUSINESS.

BOB: How?

HUGO: IF YOU'RE AT CHARMIN, YOU'VE PROBABLY HIRED SOMEONE WHO TO MONITOR ALL TWEETS RELATED TO "I'M TAKING A SHIT RIGHT NOW" OR "I'M TAKING A DUMP" OR WHATEVER, RIGHT?

BOB: Okay.

HUGO: NOW, NORMALLY, YOU CAN IGNORE THIS ...............OR CAPITALIZE ON IT.

BOB: HOW?

HUGO: LISTNN. LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW. ...IF YOU'RE CHARMIN, YOU MUST CONNECT WITH THAT PERSON TAKING A SHIT.

BOB: Why?

HUGO: LISTEN. I SAID. LI. STEN. IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU REPLY TO THE SHITTER, "Hey, hope you're using our best-selling Triple-Ply paper!" BOOM. FREE AND RELEVANT IMPRESSIONS.

BOB: ......SO!??!?

HUGO: NEXT TIME THEY TAKE A SHIT ...YOU BET YOUR ASS THEY'LL BE THINKING OF CHARMIN.
----

I swear to god I've used that Charmin defense at least three times. I'm dead serious about it, too.