Prior to [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS BLAH BLAH THAT SUCKS] some of my piano students participated in their local talent show. Unfortunately I couldn't see them (being the advanced brilliant players they are, they were saved for the end -- holla), but I did show up out of respect for the parents who expected me to show up for at least an appearance. Anyway, I caught the beginning which was LOADED with SHIT TALENT.
I know you're thinking, "Aw that's fucked up, Hugo. These are kids brave enough to go out there and give it all for the sake of giving it up!"
I agree. But to a point. If you're 10 or under, you can get away with murder on stage. It's the reason
Kids Say The Darndest Things exists. Kids can look at President Obama and say, "You're dumb and stupid and you're adopted and ugly and you look like a horse vagina!" And then adults laugh because, we're, like, "HAH! Kids."
But once you pass that point of innocence, you're done. You have to prove to us that you're going to take away our precious time and make it WORTH IT.
Case in point: The two tweens that night who were introduced as, "
The next Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston."
YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING SAY THAT.
...EVER.
WHY? MARIAH CAREY AND WHITNEY HOUSTON, EVEN IN THEIR DISMAL STATES OF EXISTENCE, ARE BRILLIANT VOCALISTS WHO HAVE A PROVEN RECORD OF, ARGUABLY, SOME OF THE GREATEST POP RECORDS OF ALL TIME, WITH AN ARMY OF POP GENIUSES WHO CARRIED THEM ALONG THE WAY WITH JUST MIND-BOGGLINGLY GENIUS MATERIAL.
In an effort to harmonize, they didn't realize they were singing in different keys.
...keys that don't even fucking exist. Like, if it were a key, it's be Qb minor.
It wasn't harmony. It wasn't even dissonance. It was just... holocaust.
I don't feel ashamed saying it was so bad that the laughter brewing inside of me at that point was ALMOST huge enough to make me exit the auditorium immediately. I swear, it was to the point of crying in hysterics. If there were one more misstep, I would have lost it on-the-spot. That bad. That. Bad.
Parents, don't encourage your kids to be artists. Tell them to be themselves. If that happens to mean being artists, then, good. Let them figure it out. Kids aren't as stupid as you think. They're way more advanced and forward-thinking than you are right now. You can thank the internet.
----
Macy Gray at the Roxy!? This isn't so much "I thought she was doing so well..." as much as, "Oh my god, there is going to be so much beautiful blackness in that tiny room that it'd be a sin to not go."
UPDATE: SOLD OUT FUCK
I'M OUT.
