WHEN BEING NICE BACKFIRES, AND OTHER CORPORATE MUMBO JUMBO
I was writing this post before I was pulled into a ridiculously WASP-y and ultra-corporate meeting. More on that after the garbage you're about to read.
The websites we built at work are thriving, almost too fast, to the point where we're planning to move offices very soon. In that, we need super mega dope ass software to take care of that growth. So we put an ad out for open bids from all sorts of programmers. Upon screening their resumes, they're invited to bring a proposal and bid to an interview.
Walking to the meeting room.
HUGO: Do you have a proposal? I made you a copy.
PARTNER, WHO WAS A FORMER CFO OF A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY: Who do you think I am? Do you think I go to meetings unprepared? Do you think I'm going to be that passive about a meeting for a project of this scale? Keep your copies for scraps.
Well, *that* was unnecessary!
I just made copies! You know, just out of courtesy.
I love where I work, but there are certain things to corporate culture I cannot stand. At the top of the list is:
These are terms meant to take the banality out of the day and make relatively dry work speak seem somewhat interesting. I hate it.
1. "LET'S NOT TRY TO BOIL THE OCEAN, GUYS..." Translation: You're one dude/a small group; don't pretend you're going to save the world in a couple minutes.
2. "IT'S LIKE THROWING JELLO TO THE WALL, GUYS..." Translation: Don't waste your time.
3. "IT'S JUST A BACK-OF-THE-ENVELOPE METRIC, BUT YOU FEEL ME, GUYS..." Translation: I'm just guessing here.
4. "IGNORE THEM IF THEY'RE KICKIN' THE TIRES, GUYS..." Translation: Don't deal with reluctant people.
5. "I DON'T MEAN TO BREAK YOUR CRAYONS BUT..." Translation: Hey, idiot...
6. "BRING TO THE TABLE" I'm not even translating this one because I fucking LOATHE this phrase.
7. "LET 'EM DRINK THE KOOL AID, GUYS..." Translation: They'll believe anything you say.
8. "GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW, GUYS..." Translation: Get your shit together.
I've heard all of these.
And I have tons more. I hear them daily.
Re: Aformentioned meeting
THE SUPERIOR: Hey, can you jump in on this meeting with these streamline optimizers? Lots of tech talk. Could use you.
HUGO: Sure okay it'snotlikeI'm3weeksbehindonworkoranythingbutyeahthat'scoolJ/KI'mgood
At the meeting. I'm looking at 3 men and 2 women who look like they've voted for Mike Huckabee.
HEAD OF GROUP PITCHING OUR COMPANY: ...LET'S TOSS WHAT YOU HAVE OUT RIGHT NOW AND BE SYNERGISTIC ABOUT THIS NEW CHAPTER.
Synergy (and its variations) = Mentioned five times (FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) in a span of an hour.
Who SAYS that? Don't they know that "synergy" is a punchline!? C'MON!
"Synergy" is this decade's "Solutions."
It really is.