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I am a Los Angeles-based twentysomething. I have a profession, and I have a secret life in music, and this blog isn't about any of that. I like Blogger because I can't read what you're thinking.

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Thursday, August 4   >>

THE ZOMBIE REFORM ACT OF 2005

I really like films about zombies. They usually lack plot, depth in characters, and good editing. Sure, there are exceptions (28 Days Later is something that still feels so plausible -- and not at the same time), but for the most part zombie flicks blow. And I don't mind!

I just want to know why zombies always have to act like they have a severe case of Parkinsons and pneumonia at the same time. They're always shaking and walking all fucked-up, and they're always all purple and bleeding out their eyebrows. In the earlier days of zombies, the monsters would just walk slow with their arms raised up, a la Thriller. It's just not cool anymore.

Zombies should be diversified. We should have really, really tiny zombies... and then some REALLY FUCKING HUGE ZOMBIES.

And I think they should all walk differently. Some zombies should walk really slow, some should run really fast, and other should prance like little girly-girls. Skipping is cool, too.

Zombies shouldn't always have to look for humans to eat. Zombies should have newer aims, like, say, cows. Or puppies. Or, better yet, SHARKS. The whole let's-get-together-and-eat-the-human-race thing is played out like C+C Music Factory.

There should be kid zombies. THAT would be freaking great.

Zombies should also drop the whole "III'MMMM STUUUPPIIIDDDD" kind of demeanor. It's rather discriminatory to the well-rounded zombies. Why don't we get some really fucking smart zombies? When they approach humans, they should talk about their interpretations of the Magna Carta. Then zombies can do whatever they want with them.

Zombies should also have cleaner wardrobes. Since when did being infected with a virus come with having to have really shitty clothing? Ever notice that the day after any zombies are infected, their clothes are, like, TOTALLY FUCKED UP? I always wondered what the hell they've been up to. I would say a couple American wars and then clean-up tasks inside King Kong's butt.

Speaking of King Kong -- doesn't that remake look terrrrribbbbbllllle? Yuck.

Zombies have got to change, brothas and sistahs. Change is needed in zombie films and in the characters of zombies; we need TO ACT. WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER AND FIGHT FOR THE DIVERSIFICATION IN LITIGATION OF THE INCLINATION IMPLICATIONS THAT ALL ZOMBIECATIONS ARE EQUALICATIONS!!!!!

Sharpton '08