Tuesday, September 6   >>

MY LOCAL STATION IS BETTER THAN YOURS

Yesterday, after waiting in the grocery store line for roughly 977 hours, The Girlfriend had told me that there was a Saved By The Bell marathon on television. News of this magnitude can only call for an overdose of a Zack Attack.

KOCE (a local station whose budget is the equivalent to that of an AYSO soccer game) loaded up 11 hours of Zack Morris and Co. tapes. It was splendid.

But I can't help but express the hilarity that I felt while watching their commercials for upcoming shows.

The channel, whose programming consists of syndicated shows that are at least 15 years old, tries to advertise upcoming programs with an edgy, Gotcha-by-the-scrotum feel. They try really, really, really hard to tap into the MTV demographic.

" CONTROVERSIAL. CUTTING-EDGE. EMMY-AWARD WINNING. EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT AT 8 --

...CAGNEY AND LACEY. "

I had to switch channels, for I could not endure such amazingness.

So I switched to the neighboring channel, KDOC -- same budget, different name.

But let me tell you that I had been entertained. Educated. Entertained and educated for one wholesome hour.

I had rediscovered a big part of my wasted, television-laden youth.

Bob Ross.

Bob Ross is the man to your left. Bob Ross is an incredible artist. Bob Ross could take your Crayolas and create fucking Rembrandts with them just by sneezing on a canvas. He is the greatest guy that has ever hosted a television program.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's his obscenely large afro. Maybe it's his soothing voice in which he tells me, right into my eyes, "Nice trees, nice trees... that's a nice tree." Maybe it's the way he uses his hands, craftsmanlike-y. Maybe it's the black background on his set, that gives a welcoming, "I'm not intimidating" feel to his show. Maybe it's the entire package.

Just maybe.

With Bob Ross, I CONNECTED to him. He was MINE. He was teaching ME how to paint. He was MY FRIEND.

After he pretty much ruled the entire world, I switched back to the Saved By The Bell marathon.

It was the one where they all sleep in the mall. Good times!