BEHIND THE ENTERPRISE: BILL SHATNER

First off, if you're going to parody HBO Boxing, you don't parody HBO Boxing WITHOUT LARRY MERCHANT. NO RESPEC'!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, William Shatner's got a new book. But I'm not going to buy it. In fact, I refuse to participate in anything related Shatner.

This is why.

In the 10th grade, I was a troublemaking little shit, so I made counterfeit tickets (pre-scanned ticket days) for a Ben Folds show, just so that The Tran, The Aparicio, and The Talip could get into the sold out spectacle with me.

Just when we think our excitement in cheating the system couldn't be higher, Bill Shatner made a surprise stage cameo, reciting some hilarious poetry during an old Folds hit. It, in fact, was gold.

Post-show, I convinced the guys to sneak backstage with me, since, at the time, it was super easy to sneak in the back of The Palace (now The Avalon).

After being COMPLETELY starstruck and amazed that one of my childhood heroes, Weird Al Yankovic, agreed to take a picture and chat with my friends and I, I turned around and literally bumped into William Shatner, who had me starstruck tenfold.

I mean, this is the guy from fucking STAR TREK. The dude who sang "ROCKET... MAN." The guy on RESCUE 911! Give a kid a break; this is a time when, no matter how cool you are at that age, you assume that celebrity are these untouchable, godlike figures, especially legends like Shatner, and that you're completely inferior to them.

I remember Shatner being this TOWERING figure with an aura of ultra confidence -- just one TALL motherfucker. He had this grey coat on, and he smelled like old man, and, when I bumped into him, he looked down at me, as if staring down a pathetic well.

"Mr. Shatner... do you mind taking a picture with me?"

And, after one quick, soulless glare that carried the depth of infinite contempt and vomit-inducing disgust, he looked back up, rolled his eyes, and WALKED AWAY WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.

I was, like, shocked -- it's not like I was, like, "OMG CAPTAIN KIRK BEAM ME UP OK THANKTHH, THOWWW... WHY IN EPITHODE S46A DIDN'T ANYONE POINT OUT THE INCONTHITHTENTHEEZ OF THE BATTLE IN THECOND GALAKTHEE KLINGONTH...?!?!?"

My jaw still dropped, but I quickly erased my slump of total humiliation and said 4 words that, today with my friends, still come up from this one unforgettable moment.

"...PRICELINE DOT COM ASSHOLE."

I remain unapologetic.